3 years!

I can't believe it has been 3 years (and one day) since I posted on here. Life happened, and happen it did. Here are the major events in the last 3 years:

In cancer news: My mom's cancer came back in full force in 2012 and had now appeared in her brain, femur, liver, and I can't remember where else. By now it's also in her breast and pancreas. She had radiation therapy for the brain tumors (8 of them) that have now stopped growing, which is the best we can hope for. She's gone through many different chemotherapy treatments and many very rough months when we didn't think she would make it. She could barely eat, keep any food down, or get out of bed. The treatments either weren't stopping the tumor growth or were so harsh on her weakened body that she couldn't continue them. Thanksgiving 2012 was spent in the emergency room with pancreatitis. We got the crushing, but ultimately false, news that the cancer had spread some more and that my mom had weeks to live. After 2 weeks of anguish her oncologist delivered news that weren't as grim as the ER had made them out to be. I don't like to revisit how low 2012 ended. We just weren't sure how for how much longer we'd have my mom there with us. Fast forward to 2013 when my parents moved to Boston and they finally found a treatment that is both working (as in, the tumors have stopped growing) and enabling her to live a somewhat normal life. They have since moved to Pennsylvania, but my mom continues to go up to Boston every two weeks for treatment... for now, anyway. 

In work news: I changed companies, but they were luckily still very flexible with my work location, and I was able to travel to San Francisco a ton in 2012. My boss fully supported the "family first" concept and was beyond understanding. Also luckily, we have amazing extended family who also came to help throughout the year. We couldn't have done it without them, both for the logistical and moral support. 

In love news: About a month after my last post, I went on a first date with Brian thanks to my friend and his wife who set us up knowing we'd be a good match. Amazing insight I'd say, since they're now my brother-in-law and sister-in-law (Brian is his brother, in case that was hard to follow). Brian and I moved in together after 8 months of dating, got engaged 6 months later, and married 3 months after that. Until I met Brian, I never fully understood or believed the "when you know, you know" saying. I thought maybe I was a little denser than most and might never just know. Or I just might never find someone who would be a good match. In the midst of all the cancer craziness, it was nice to have this constant low-grade anxiety relieved by having found him. At least I knew that I wouldn't also have to be lonely in addition to everything that was going on. A life partner is a very nice person to have!

In family news: I got a new niece in September 2012 and she's a joy! And of course, I got a whole new family in May 2013 and my in-laws are wonderful. They're a big family and such a pleasure to be around. I lucked out once again. Brian and I are growing our own family too and expecting a baby boy in February. Earlier this year, we moved and bought a house. Many life events in the last 3 years!

Thanksgiving is a time when a lot of people reflect on what they're thankful for, especially on Facebook. I admit that I sometimes roll my eyes when I see the posts because I think we should be thankful year-round. And yet, I can't help but think back on the last 4 Thanksgivings and feel thankful. In 2010, we were in San Francisco and my mom was in recovery from major lung surgery. We thought we were done dealing with cancer - one doctor said he was 99% sure it wasn't coming back. In 2011, my mom was well and my parents traveled to NJ where we had a lovely Thanksgiving hosted by my sister. In 2012, we were in SF, I was accompanied by my live-in boyfriend, and things were looking very grim after several cancer-battling months and spending most of the day in the ER. In 2013, with my husband by my side, we were at my sister's in-laws in NJ with my mom weak but okay. In 2014, we will be in Pennsylvania, with a baby on the way and things looking a bit brighter than they have in a while. We've had a lot of ups and downs in the last 4 years, but I am so grateful and lucky to have the life I have. I can't help but jump on the thankful bandwagon, even if it's cliché and so predictable for this time of year. But then again, is it really a bad thing to remember what you have to be thankful about? No, I don't think so. Not bad at all.

I am very thankful

It seems like each year goes by faster than the previous one. I can't believe it has already been a year since last Thanksgiving. Being this close to it has made me reflect on what was happening then.

A year ago, my mom was in the ICU, recovering from major surgery to remove part of her lungs due to a very rare form of lung cancer. The day of the surgery, it seems like we were living hour by hour, waiting for updates on the surgery and mostly waiting to hear that the surgery was over. The surgery lasted longer than we had been told to expect so our level of anxiety and anticipation was very high. The first 24 hours after the surgery are best not remembered. Let's just say that the pain management strategy was not working. My mom has an incredibly high tolerance for pain and seeing her in so much pain is something I hope I never have to see again, and more importantly, something I hope she never has to experience again. Once they finally got the pain under control, we all took a breath of relief - hers being the biggest despite her reduced lung capacity.

As each milestone passed - coming out of the ICU, coming home, increased mobility - things very slowly started getting into a routine. My sister, my nephew, and I had temporarily relocated to San Francisco to help our parents and little by little we started living more than an hour at a time. I worked while my sister took care of my mom, my nephew, and the household. After work, I took care of my nephew and my mom while my sister cooked dinner. Just when things were starting to look up, my mom had a checkup with the surgeon who immediately had her admitted to the hospital. We went back to living hour by hour for a day until she was released again. Quite a lesson in not taking things for granted! Those few weeks were full of uncertainty, and although I could see my mom getting stronger each day, I had an uneasy feeling that things could turn at any moment. Luckily, aside from that one incident, things continued to improve. Time has slowly eased this uneasy feeling.

But when I look back at Thanksgiving 2010, all of these things are not what I remember first. What I remember is our family coming together and becoming even closer. It was a tough time, for sure, but it was such a blessing to be able to be together and go through it as a family. I felt like we were all going through it and could openly talk about what was happening. We gave each other strength.

On Thanksgiving day, my mom had only been home for a week or so. She could only get out of bed for a few hours at a time, and even then, she had a hard time handling stairs and getting comfortable. My sister and I made Thanksgiving dinner with the help of my dad and brother-in-law. It was an adjustment not having our mom in the kitchen with us, but we managed. I am not sure what my mom felt, but I think she felt sadness at not being able to participate and hopefully pride that my sister and I were handling it. For the first time since she had come home, my mom sat with us at the dinner table to eat - a Thanksgiving treat and another milestone! She made it through the main course and then had to head back to bed. Since we hadn't had dessert yet - and this is definitely the most preferred course in the family - we decided to bring the rest of Thanksgiving to her: we had dessert in my parents' bedroom!

Although this was clearly an untraditional Thanksgiving, I will always remember Thanksgiving 2010 as one where we were acutely aware of how much we had to be thankful for.

It has been a year since the surgery, and I realize that we have all gone back to our normal lives. We no longer live in anticipation hour by hour, or day by day, or week by week. Now it's in 3-month increments for each CT scan. And as time goes on and the CT scans start being less frequent, it will become a more distant memory. Other things will creep up that we perceive as important in the moment. Thinking about where we were a year ago brings it back to the surface and helps me put things into perspective.

Here is what I have to be thankful for in the last year:
I am thankful that my mom's lung cancer was found by chance.
I am thankful that my mom went in for a regular check-up and that they ended up needing to take an x-ray.
I am thankful that the radiologist paid attention.
I am thankful that the surgery went well and that all of the follow-up CT scans have been clear of cancer.
I am thankful that my mom did not have to go through chemotherapy or radiotherapy.
I am thankful that my company allowed me to work remotely from San Francisco for many weeks.
I am thankful that I was able to be there for my family and that were able to go through this together.
I am thankful that I have a great family, whom I am close to.
I am thankful that this experience has enabled me to put things into perspective, even if I sometimes forget to do so.

This year, I am most thankful for my family and our health. These words mean more to me than ever.